vampires being the lactose intolerants of the monster world
“Yes I’m violently allergic to garlic but what’s the point of unliving without Italian food?”
“I know silver is bad for me but this necklace was SO cute and it was on sale”
“Technically sunlight burns my skin but with enough layers and aloe lotion-”
Tag: vampires
what y’all thinking about fellas
So garlic is a natural anticoagulant, but then why would vampires be allergic to it?
Hear me out:
What if vampires made up all the stuff about them being allergic to garlic so that their victims would eat it, thinking it would ward off vamps, but instead it makes their blood easier to drink!
Because it doesn’t clot!
This has really been getting to me recently. Have I uncovered their master conspiracy or am I going insane?
How many vampires do you think have been hit by a car backing up in a parking lot because the driver couldn’t see their reflection
I’ve never considered it but you’re really shining light on what’s probably a very serious issue
What if someone got bitten by a vampire, but didn’t realize it. So then they go around and keep misidentifying all the symptoms, like
“Dude, you haven’t gone outside in a while.”
“Yeah, last time I went out I got this wicked sunburn.”“Are you still up?”
“Yeah, I started bing watching this show on Netflix.”“Dude, I’m seriously craving something right now.”
“Like what?”
“I dunno. Pizza rolls?”“Why is it that you never come into my house unless I invite you?”
“Um, it’s called ‘being polite’…?”“I tried cooking with garlic the other night and got this serious burn on my hand. I think I’m allergic, but all I’m getting on Google is vampire bullshit.”
“Dude can a mirror like… stop working or something?”
“Dude, why do you keep posting pictures of the floor?”
“…Those are meant to be selfies, I guess my camera must be broken.”“Dude, I am all for you expressing your religious beliefs, but could you not wear your crucifix when I’m around? It really bugs me for some reason.”
“Have you ever noticed how cute bats are? like really noticed? sweet lil balls of fluff with wings man.”
“I want to sleep in a coffin…ya kno, for like… aesthetic”
“What’s with your thing about necks lately?”
“MUST YOU KINKSHAME ME IN MY OWN HOME”
“I looked up my symptoms on WebMD, and it says I have cancer.”
I’ve sat on my leg too long and now I’ve got pins and needles and oh gods I hate pins and needles, I’m sitting here wiggling my leg like a maniac trying to get the blood flowing properly again.
But it’s made me think….though I should probably point out anatomy and just in general how the body works is not my strong suit.
Preternatural or supernatural beings, do they get pins and needles? I mean they all have working nerve endings and blood…technically.
Vampires, for instance, are so often described as flushed and warm after drinking blood, but if their cells are absorbing it then wouldn’t they technically get pins and needles? Because they were originally hindering the flow of blood by not having any, and they’ve still got working nerves so the rush of blood should cause pins and needles, right?
Can you imagine a vampire drinking after a long abstinence, their sigh of relief when they feel the hot blood warm their body….then it begins. First in their fingertips, toes, and the tips of their nose and ears, and gradually it creeps through their entire body as their dormant cells come to life to absorb the blood. Nerve endings sparking randomly.
Imagine this dark creature of the night, sharp fangs bared, hissing out with copper tinged breath, “Fuck! Fucking pins and needles! I hate them so much!”
Imagine them flailing about, frantically rubbing at arms and legs to get the blood flowing properly. Once it finally stops, and they’re left panting, with that heavy warm feeling spreading through, they realise a human is standing there, staring at them wide eyed, mouth dropped open in an aborted attempt at a scream.
“Not a fucking word,” the vampire would grumble before running off into the night, their murderous image completely ruined by fucking pins and needles.
Back during the time when it was popular to bash Twilight for both legitimate reasons (Edward being borderline abusive to Bella, the whole child grooming plot point in Breaking Dawn, etc.) and not (REAL VAMPIRES DON’T SPARKLE THATS GAY), I saw this meme on Facebook where it was Louis and Lestat from Interview With The Vampire commenting on Edward’s sparkling and making fun of him for being gay. Like… Buddy My Guy. My Fair Dude. My Dear Sweet Homophobic Idiot. Not only are the Vampires in IWTV super duper gay, you’re lying to yourself if you think Lestat wouldn’t slam dunk his entire body into a tub of glitter on any given occasion. You Fool. You Imbecile.
Lestat: WHY DON’T WE GLITTER I WAS ROBBED
Louis: Does he ask our pity? He can walk in the sunlight, whereas we, foul creatures of darkness as we are, are forever barred from God’s kindly li –
Lestat, upending a pound of iridescent craft glitter on his head: SHUT UP LOUIS
Imagine one of those vampires that spent a few decades napping and now they’re trying to catch up as best they can so they’re in a library looking through years of old magazines and overhear some middle-schooler discussing her project about the moon-landing and they’re like “WHAT!!!”
“You have to tell me everything about this!!!”
A confused but enthusiastic sixth-grader unfolds her trifold poster board and tells an absolutely captivated 3000 year old man-eater about the space race.
More like “I LITERALLY HAVENT EVEN GOTTEN THROUGH THE RECONSTRUCTION ERA PLEASE TAG SPOILERS”
I’M!!
“Have you gotten to Franz Ferdinand being shot yet?”
An Austrian Vampire, angrily looking up from a ninth-grade history book: “are you FUCKING KIDDING ME??”“yeah you know…lincoln doesnt get reelected”
Vampire: “well why NOT he seems perfectly capable and oooh…oh…”FRICK
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
“So, you know pluto isn’t a planet, right?”
*Vampire chucks astronomy book written in 1994 at the person*
Imagine the vampire asking people who killed JFK and they’re all like ‘no one knows’ and the vampire just sighs and says ‘ok I know I said no spoilers but this is just getting ridiculous. someone tell me.”
imagine a vampire who’s absolutely mad about having missed a very specific moment and not really caring about the big picture searching for the one history nerd who might know when that outrageous lipstick they loved was put out of commerce, what happened to that minor theatre company debut, a forgetten artist’s they loved fate, if their friends ever did marry, what happened to that family lineage/where are the heirs now, /what happened to that one small hungarian village who was basically only some houses and mud where the heck did my village go/
this is my favorite vampire post
I love this on so many levels. Also @yetanotherramblingfangirl you need it.
Loki is the Philosopher King 