So I’ve probably talked about the kind of strange phenomenon of men I dated, or even just went on a few dates with, getting in touch with me years later. There’s one guy I went on a few dates with in 2013 but haven’t seen since who keeps sending me Facebook messages at random intervals. I haven’t replied in a couple years. He’s married; he even gave me a last-minute invitation to his wedding. I didn’t go, obviously. Anyway, I posted some pictures on Facebook from my Renaissance fair outing, including this one of me attempting archery:
And, presumably in response to this photo (or maybe the one of me eating a turkey leg, I don’t know), he sent me the message: “Hey! Your renaissance faire pictures just showed up in my feed – you like like you’re in killer shape now! Clearly moving to Canada agrees with you haha”
Which I found especially creepy, because most of his random messages aren’t specifically commenting on my body. And also this photo, since it’s in profile, clearly displays how thin I am, which is actually not good because I’ve been unintentionally losing weight due to depression and anxiety. But thanks for reinforcing my latent eating-disordered thought patterns by telling me how great I look when I’m unhealthily underweight. That’s really what I needed in my life.
I’m much better at not eating anything when I’m a mass of self-loathing and anxiety than I ever was when I was deliberately anorexic…
My advisor, a 70-year-old man, saw me at our department colloquium yesterday for the first time in a while (I’ve mostly been at home working, he’s been traveling, etc.) and asked me how I was. I said fine, mostly, just stressed out and busy. He asked me if I had lost weight, gesturing to his face to indicate that that was how he had noticed. (I was wearing a sweater over a button-up shirt, so it would have been hard to tell any other way.) I said yes, and asked if I looked unhealthy. He said no, he thought I looked good, and then said “You can never be too rich or too thin.”
This made me really uncomfortable, not so much because he’s an old man and I’m a young woman (though that makes it weird, too) as because I was anorexic in college, and I weigh about as little now as when the eating disorder was at its worst. (I’m not losing weight on purpose this time; I’ve been losing my appetite due to dissertation and job market stress.) He made a joke about something that’s really sensitive for me, and basically told me that I look good (better? unclear) when I’m at an abnormally low weight.
I probably shouldn’t say anything to him, because that would just make things weirder. Just gotta bitch about it on Tumblr, I guess.
“I’ve never had a fic hit 1k kudos I’m a bad writer”? That’s not exactly encouraging to those of us who never had a fic hit 150 (until a tiny post-Ragnarok one-shot became Kudos Georg, but still < 500).
It’s more being self-denigrating to myself because I’m like that, but I will apologise for that comment. I’m sorry if I made you feel bad.
As an ex-anorexic, I am well-acquainted with the paradox of self-deprecation that ends up insulting other people.
Me: I’m so fat, it’s disgusting. Friend: I’m objectively fatter than you are. Me: Well, maybe you weigh more, but you don’t *look* fat. Friend: Uh huh.
I ate a donut at 12:30 and have been feeling nauseous for the past 3 and a half hours. This is where my body is at these days. No wonder my pants are falling down.
Or I might actually be sick and I just didn’t realize it because I always feel vaguely crappy anyway…
I ate a donut at 12:30 and have been feeling nauseous for the past 3 and a half hours. This is where my body is at these days. No wonder my pants are falling down.
I weighed myself for the first time in a while and was alarmed to see that my weight had dipped below 90 (I’m 5′1″). I knew I’d been losing weight due to job market and dissertation stress, and my appetite has been really bad recently, but I didn’t realize it was that bad… My home scale might not be entirely accurate, but if it is, my weight is as low now as it got when I was actually deliberately anorexic. Taking birth control masks some of the symptoms (amenorrhea, nonexistent libido), but this is still probably not good.
I’m really not doing it on purpose this time. I either don’t feel hungry before I start feeling lightheaded from lack of food, or I feel hungry but everything sounds disgusting, or I’m too tired/lazy to make myself food, or I can’t finish what I’ve started eating, or hunger quickly turns into nausea. I do still have some bad habits leftover from the anorexic days, including checking calorie counts and recoiling from ones that look high, and just ignoring inconvenient hunger until it goes away on its own. I really gotta stop doing that. So I’m eating an entire 550-calorie tray of Trader Joe’s mac & cheese that’s supposedly 2 servings. Fuck it, it’s one.
Loki is the Philosopher King 