Tag: tw: depression

lokizillas:

startraveller776:

I’m going to point it out again: Another genius moment in acting/directing. Look at his expression. He feels nothing. Nothing at all.

There’s no one to put on a show for here. There’s no need for posturing when he doesn’t have an audience. And what do we get when he’s basically alone? Nothing. He feels nothing.

Like I said in a previous post (when he dropped Thor from the helocarrier), this is not a lack of sympathy or regret necessarily. This is not a lack of the normal spectrum of emotions. This is a lack of resolution. He went into this mad plan with expectations. Expectations of feeling powerful. Of finally being equal to Thor—maybe even more. Of revenge. None of those expectations are fulfilled (long before he gets Hulk-smashed).

I’m going to put forth an unusual speculation here. His actions, particularly in these moments, speak less of  being a sociopath or psychopath, and more of severe depression. I’m not talking about the blues when you’re having a bad day or a bad week. Severe depression is not being sad all the time.

It’s being numb. All. The. Time. It’s feeling nothing when you know you should feel something. It’s not caring. About anything.

Severe depression messes with your moral center (and I don’t mean religious morals). It’s very difficult to differentiate between right or wrong because you feel no guilt, no shame, no elation. The quest becomes less about finding happiness (while in the throes of such an acute depression, happiness is not only impossible, the notion is utterly unbelievable—a fiction without any truth). The quest is merely to feel better. To feel at all.

Think about it. Despite his act of insincerity, Loki was probably prone to brooding even before his world fell apart. He probably experienced bouts of mild to moderate depression throughout his life. (The mischief might have helped to alleviate that.) Then he finds out what he is—not the son of Odin (whose approval he desperately wanted)—but one of very enemy he was raised to hate. Fast forward through his botched attempt at genocide, fratricide and successful patricide—then a fall through the vortex of the dying Bifrost (who knows what happened there?), and finally he was held captive by Thanos.

How is he not depressed? (If not suffering from a complete psychosis.) And I doubt he is not cognizant enough to realize the severity of his mental illness.

And so he pursues these things, thinking that he’ll feel better (that he’ll feel something) and in the end, he still feels nothing.

You’ll never convince me that Loki’s look of blankness as he lets go of Gungnir, that that was a suicide attempt, is not part of some severe depression issues and that everything just gets magnified to about a thousand times worse and twisted up when he goes through the Void.

So I’ve probably talked about the kind of strange phenomenon of men I dated, or even just went on a few dates with, getting in touch with me years later. There’s one guy I went on a few dates with in 2013 but haven’t seen since who keeps sending me Facebook messages at random intervals. I haven’t replied in a couple years. He’s married; he even gave me a last-minute invitation to his wedding. I didn’t go, obviously. Anyway, I posted some pictures on Facebook from my Renaissance fair outing, including this one of me attempting archery:

And, presumably in response to this photo (or maybe the one of me eating a turkey leg, I don’t know), he sent me the message: “Hey! Your renaissance faire pictures just showed up in my feed – you like like you’re in killer shape now! Clearly moving to Canada agrees with you haha”

Which I found especially creepy, because most of his random messages aren’t specifically commenting on my body. And also this photo, since it’s in profile, clearly displays how thin I am, which is actually not good because I’ve been unintentionally losing weight due to depression and anxiety. But thanks for reinforcing my latent eating-disordered thought patterns by telling me how great I look when I’m unhealthily underweight. That’s really what I needed in my life.

englishmajorinrepair:

Some Asshole: You can’t be! Truly yourself! If you’re on medication! It’s changing the Real You™!

Me: if the real me is going to lie on the floor for 3 weeks and try to drown herself in the river I don’t want to know her, Barbara

Relatedly… I should probably be really suspicious of a potential new therapist who tells me antidepressants are only supposed to be short-term measures, right?

Depression Palate™ means most things don’t taste good unless they’re heavily spiced, but Anxiety Stomach™ produces too much acid and gives me indigestion when I eat spicy and/or acidic things.

At least cookie dough ice cream still tastes good.

Sent inquiries to 3 therapists about setting up an intake appointment. Also tried a meal-replacement shake – thanks to whoever made that suggestion. It doesn’t taste fantastic, but it’s calorie-dense and easy to swallow. I feel like one of those philosophy dorkbros who drink Soylent because they want to minimize time spent doing anything other than philosophy (I know, gross)… but it’s not that I don’t appreciate good food, I’m just having some issues right now.

I couldn’t even eat a whole sandwich for dinner, and it tasted fine… until it didn’t anymore. I don’t know what my problem is. Well, depression and/or anxiety, but I don’t know what to do about it. I’m worried that if I get my dose of medication increased that will only make it worse because SSRIs/SNRIs tend to suppress my appetite or make all food seem unpleasant to me even if I feel hungry.

Depression & Reaching Out

portraitoftheoddity:

I’m seeing a lot on social media this week about encouraging people who suffer from depression to reach out for help, call crisis lines, etc. And all of that’s great, and important!

But let’s also talk about everyone else.

Reaching out goes both ways. And there’s ways to help beyond just pasting suicide hotline numbers all over your online accounts whenever a celebrity takes their life, and making vague statements about how ‘you can always talk to me!’ to no one in particular. A few suggestions, from someone who has been dangerously depressed in the past:

  • If you’ve struggled with depression yourself, consider being open about your experiences (if you are comfortable with doing so and will not be endangered financially or in other ways). Open and honest discussions about mental health help to de-stigmatize it, and also allow others to know you’re someone they can talk to who won’t judge them, and who understands a little about what they’re going through.
  • On the topic of not judging – avoid complaining about or describing mental health crises as attention-seeking behavior to depressed loved ones, or on platforms where they will see it. Nothing is more likely to make someone choose not to reach out than the fear that their cry for help will be branded as a cry for attention or some egocentric attempt to make drama.
    • Calling other people who attempted or successfully committed suicide “selfish” or otherwise condemning them for losing the fight to depression by attributing it to some kind of character flaw falls in this category. 
  • If you have friends or loved ones who you know struggle with depression, talk to them about it. Don’t make it some big intervention and interrogation – just a casual conversation about an aspect of their life. Learn how their depressive episodes manifest, and what the warning signs are likely to be when they’re having a low swing. 
    • Once you know how their episodes manifest, keep an eye out for their warning signs and check in with them if you’re seeing red flags.
    • Also check in at times when you know they’re under a lot of stress.  If they’re going through a major life crisis (loss of a job, loss of a loved one, end of a relationship, massive debt, etc), pay particularly close attention. (A close friend always used to call and check in with me when I had final exams to make sure I was doing okay, because he knew I was always a wreck then.)
  • If you otherwise notice a friend or loved one retreating from social interaction, isolating themselves, forgoing activities they usually enjoy, or displaying other indicators of depression – don’t just wait for them to reach out to you. Reach out to them. “Hey, I haven’t heard much from you in a while – how are you doing?” / “Noticed you’ve been quiet. Is everything okay?” / “You seen a little down; do you wanna hang out and talk sometime?“ 
    • Even if nothing’s really wrong, showing that you’re someone who will notice something is off and that you care enough to reach out will make someone more likely to trust that they can actually reach out to you in turn when they need it. It also challenges the depressive belief that ‘no one will miss me or notice that I’m gone.’
  • And lastly, when someone does reach out, or when you’ve reached out to them and asked them to tell you how they’re doing – be calm and listen. Don’t freak out. Don’t make it about you, and how worried you are, how scared you are, or how upsetting it is for you. They feel guilty and awful and like a burden enough already. Just listen, really listen, instead of just thinking of what you’ll say once they’re done talking. 

It’s great to tell people they can reach out to you in a crisis, but it’s even better to back those words up with actions that support it. It’s good to urge people to reach out, but it’s better to reach out in turn and meet them in the middle somewhere. Depression is an absolute bitch, and we all have to work together to support one another and be proactive when someone is drowning in it. 

“Avoid complaining about or describing mental health crises as attention-seeking behavior to depressed loved ones, or on platforms where they will see it. Nothing is more likely to make someone choose not to reach out than the fear that their cry for help will be branded as a cry for attention or some egocentric attempt to make drama. Calling other people who attempted or successfully committed suicide ‘selfish’ or otherwise condemning them for losing the fight to depression by attributing it to some kind of character flaw falls in this category.”

^^^ That. The expression “cry for help” drives me nuts because it’s entirely too easy to hear it as “Oh, they don’t mean it, they’re not really that depressed, they’re just looking for attention.” That kind of rhetoric just encourages people (read: past me) to think they shouldn’t tell anyone they’re thinking about it until they’ve found a method that’s sure to work.