portraitoftheoddity:

I’m seeing a lot on social media this week about encouraging people who suffer from depression to reach out for help, call crisis lines, etc. And all of that’s great, and important!

But let’s also talk about everyone else.

Reaching out goes both ways. And there’s ways to help beyond just pasting suicide hotline numbers all over your online accounts whenever a celebrity takes their life, and making vague statements about how ‘you can always talk to me!’ to no one in particular. A few suggestions, from someone who has been dangerously depressed in the past:

• If you’ve struggled with depression yourself, consider being open about your experiences (if you are comfortable with doing so and will not be endangered financially or in other ways). Open and honest discussions about mental health help to de-stigmatize it, and also allow others to know you’re someone they can talk to who won’t judge them, and who understands a little about what they’re going through.
• On the topic of not judging – avoid complaining about or describing mental health crises as attention-seeking behavior to depressed loved ones, or on platforms where they will see it. Nothing is more likely to make someone choose not to reach out than the fear that their cry for help will be branded as a cry for attention or some egocentric attempt to make drama.
• Calling other people who attempted or successfully committed suicide “selfish” or otherwise condemning them for losing the fight to depression by attributing it to some kind of character flaw falls in this category. 
• If you have friends or loved ones who you know struggle with depression, talk to them about it. Don’t make it some big intervention and interrogation – just a casual conversation about an aspect of their life. Learn how their depressive episodes manifest, and what the warning signs are likely to be when they’re having a low swing. 
• Once you know how their episodes manifest, keep an eye out for their warning signs and check in with them if you’re seeing red flags.
• Also check in at times when you know they’re under a lot of stress.  If they’re going through a major life crisis (loss of a job, loss of a loved one, end of a relationship, massive debt, etc), pay particularly close attention. (A close friend always used to call and check in with me when I had final exams to make sure I was doing okay, because he knew I was always a wreck then.)
• If you otherwise notice a friend or loved one retreating from social interaction, isolating themselves, forgoing activities they usually enjoy, or displaying other indicators of depression – don’t just wait for them to reach out to you. Reach out to them. “Hey, I haven’t heard much from you in a while – how are you doing?” / “Noticed you’ve been quiet. Is everything okay?” / “You seen a little down; do you wanna hang out and talk sometime?“ 
• Even if nothing’s really wrong, showing that you’re someone who will notice something is off and that you care enough to reach out will make someone more likely to trust that they can actually reach out to you in turn when they need it. It also challenges the depressive belief that ‘no one will miss me or notice that I’m gone.’
  
• And lastly, when someone does reach out, or when you’ve reached out to them and asked them to tell you how they’re doing – be calm and listen. Don’t freak out. Don’t make it about you, and how worried you are, how scared you are, or how upsetting it is for you. They feel guilty and awful and like a burden enough already. Just listen, really listen, instead of just thinking of what you’ll say once they’re done talking. 

It’s great to tell people they can reach out to you in a crisis, but it’s even better to back those words up with actions that support it. It’s good to urge people to reach out, but it’s better to reach out in turn and meet them in the middle somewhere. Depression is an absolute bitch, and we all have to work together to support one another and be proactive when someone is drowning in it. 

“Avoid complaining about or describing mental health crises as attention-seeking behavior to depressed loved ones, or on platforms where they will see it. Nothing is more likely to make someone choose not to reach out than the fear that their cry for help will be branded as a cry for attention or some egocentric attempt to make drama. Calling other people who attempted or successfully committed suicide ‘selfish’ or otherwise condemning them for losing the fight to depression by attributing it to some kind of character flaw falls in this category.”

^^^ That. The expression “cry for help” drives me nuts because it’s entirely too easy to hear it as “Oh, they don’t mean it, they’re not really that depressed, they’re just looking for attention.” That kind of rhetoric just encourages people (read: past me) to think they shouldn’t tell anyone they’re thinking about it until they’ve found a method that’s sure to work.