I don’t want Infinity War, I want a three hour movie that’s just Peter Parker asking Steve’s Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Loki and Thor random questions please and thank you.
Ok so we all know that the answer to “Where did Captain America learn to
steal a car?” is “Nazi Germany” but I think the more pressing question
here is when the fuck did this complete maniac get a driver’s license
Because ok, Mighty Mouse 1.0 is too poor to own a car, too short to
reach the pedals, has vision problems, and is a goddamn New Yorker in the motherfucking 1930s, why on earth would he ever have learned to drive?
So this little bastard can’t even tell the gas from the brakes, he gets
all beefified, he goes on tour with the USO. Unless one of the showgirls
coached him through stalling out a car all over some Hollywood back
lot, he still can’t drive. He goes to Europe. At some point, some genius
looks at him and thinks “this strapping specimen of American hunkhood
obviously knows his way around a vehicle, let’s give him a motorcycle,”
and Steve “no parachute” Rogers is like “how hard could this be?” and
promptly wraps himself around approximately eight trees at the same time.
So then he’s kickin’ ass, fightin’ Hydra, and it’s just months of Bucky being like
“give me the goddamn keys, Steven,” and Dum Dum and Morita endlessly
encouraging his fucking insane Fury Road bullshit, like the Howling Commandos just use “grenade” as code for “Rogers” when they’re reporting
why yet another truck has been destroyed beyond recognition. Yes, sir, another grenade, I agree, sir, it’s very odd that we keep losing vehicles in the same way, that’s the third this month alone
So then he’s in the future and SHIELD is sorting his shit out, and
they’re not going to force Captain goddamn America to wait in line at
the DMV, they’re all in complete awe in him and they’ve seen the old
reels of him on his bike, so when they issue him his driver’s license without any type of road test
they go ahead and give him a motorcycle license too
and steve is like …neat.
Ok so then Bucky is back, shit is settled down, everyone’s heading
somewhere and Steve gets in the driver’s seat and Buck’s like WHOA WHOA
WHOA are you people out of your goddamn minds?! Why is Steve driving, is
this some kind of mission, are we heading into a combat zone, is the
plan for the vehicle to get blown up?? GIVE ME THE GODDAMN KEYS STEVEN
And Sam is all “what are you talking about, Steve’s a great driver, I saw him jump his bike over a car once”
And Buck is all “yes but have you seen him use a turn signal?”
And Steve’s like, “Listen, we never needed to ‘signal’ our ‘turns’ in Nazi Germany.”
MCU Tony: I’m leaving the Avengers.
MCU Steve: Aw. You know, I really am gonna miss you.
616 Tony: I’m leaving the Avengers.
616 Steve: Ugh. This is so unfair.
616 Steve: My heart is so heavy. Unbelievable.
616 Steve: The Avengers should have just left me in the ice.
616 Steve: This planet is just too cruel, now. How will I bring myself to wake up in the morning?
616 Steve: Oh, agony.
AA Tony: I’m leaving the Avengers.
AA Steve: Oh? where’re we going?
So. Tony
has kept the phone. Of course he has. But who calls first? Do they even
exchange words? I want to know.
Maybe Tony is
tinkering in the workshop when his phone rings, and it is Bruce on the other
side, and Tony is happy, he is thrilled, but then Bruce cuts through Tony’s
babble saying, “You’re really not going to like this, Tony.”
And then,
after talking to Bruce, Tony just stands there for a moment, frozen, mind
momentarily overwhelmed with the enormity of the threat that is heading their
way. He snaps out of his daze, hurrying toward his desk and pulling out the
phone Steve sent him. He glances down at it, half annoyed and half resigned,
before slipping it into his pocket.
Then, in
Strange’s Sanctum, he sort of tunes out Bruce and his babble about Thor and
Asgard burning, and some new space megalomaniac intercepting a ship full of
Asgardian refuges, and he really doesn’t want to listen to this Strange guy
because magic is freaky and illogical, and also he is kind of starting to panic
a bit, the old but never forgotten fear of the vastness of space pressing down
on him.
Tony doesn’t
make the decision consciously, but in between two breaths, he is holding Steve’s
phone in his hand, and he’s never meant to make this call, but the words ‘I’ll
be there’ are echoing loudly inside his head and it’s easier to breathe,
somehow.
And then,
just as Tony is ready to make the call, the tiny screen lights up, followed by
a shrill ringing sound. Tony smiles – in relief, in affection, in amusement –
and then a loud explosion drags his attention away from the phone, and he is
walking toward the door, pressing the phone to his ear, his chest twisting with
a dull ache as Steve’s voice, low and grim, echoes in his ear, “What happens
now, Tony?”
Tony doesn’t
have a clue, and people are screaming outside and there are even more explosions,
and he really should have called before, but now is not time for introspection
or regret or old wounds. Or panic attacks, no matter how much a part of Tony
wants to curl up somewhere and do nothing but try to breathe.
“Come home,
Steve,” Tony says in a surprisingly steady voice and disconnects the call,
slipping the phone back into his pocket. For later. They’re the Avengers, they’ll
make sure there is later.
You know, I really am gonna miss you.
Loki is the Philosopher King 