Tag: personal

philosopherking1887:

It’s really annoying trying to work on long Tumblr posts or fanfiction while I’m home visiting my parents because my mother pokes her head into my room to ask what I’m working on. I could lie and say it’s a job application but I’m not good at lying… and when I say “nothing important” or “messing around on the internet” she gets really judgy and resentful that I’m not spending ALL my time socializing with family.

…and now I’m stuck watching an old episode of SNL because I can’t very well say “hey, I’d rather go attend to my fandom social media life.”

It’s really annoying trying to work on long Tumblr posts or fanfiction while I’m home visiting my parents because my mother pokes her head into my room to ask what I’m working on. I could lie and say it’s a job application but I’m not good at lying… and when I say “nothing important” or “messing around on the internet” she gets really judgy and resentful that I’m not spending ALL my time socializing with family.

I weighed myself for the first time in a while and was alarmed to see that my weight had dipped below 90 (I’m 5′1″). I knew I’d been losing weight due to job market and dissertation stress, and my appetite has been really bad recently, but I didn’t realize it was that bad… My home scale might not be entirely accurate, but if it is, my weight is as low now as it got when I was actually deliberately anorexic. Taking birth control masks some of the symptoms (amenorrhea, nonexistent libido), but this is still probably not good.

I’m really not doing it on purpose this time. I either don’t feel hungry before I start feeling lightheaded from lack of food, or I feel hungry but everything sounds disgusting, or I’m too tired/lazy to make myself food, or I can’t finish what I’ve started eating, or hunger quickly turns into nausea. I do still have some bad habits leftover from the anorexic days, including checking calorie counts and recoiling from ones that look high, and just ignoring inconvenient hunger until it goes away on its own. I really gotta stop doing that. So I’m eating an entire 550-calorie tray of Trader Joe’s mac & cheese that’s supposedly 2 servings. Fuck it, it’s one.

philosopherking1887:

I now have plans to see Thor: Ragnarok both on Thursday evening and again on Friday evening. I don’t think this is a bad idea because I’m pretty sure I’ll want to see it again basically as soon as I see it… my only reservation has to do with who I’m seeing it with on Thursday. In fact, I made the plans to see it on Friday with a female friend and her husband in order to avoid having the first time I saw it be with guys from my department, including a specific guy who at one point wanted to date me and whom I turned down. I have said something in his presence about Loki being the main focus of my interest in the MCU, not least because Tom Hiddleston is very attractive, and he has brought it up again in a way that I took to be unkindly mocking. (God help me if he found out that I write Thor/Loki fanfiction… I would never hear the end of it, and neither would anyone else in the department. Keeping that one firmly under the hat.) I only agreed to go see the movie with him and another guy from the department because (1) my other friends couldn’t go on Thursday and I’m impatient, and (2) the other guy we’re going with is gay and very open about his attraction to Chris Hemsworth. I’m hoping I can just spend most of my time talking to the gay guy and give the other guy withering looks if he tries to give us any shit.

Just had an extraordinarily weird text exchange with the guys I’m going to see the movie with about who “gets” (to sleep with) which actors. This would have been way more comfortable if I didn’t know that one of the guys at one point wanted to sleep with me, and still might. (He’s also just kind of creepy, which is why I turned him down in the first place.)

Fortunately, the group has gotten bigger, so maybe I can avoid talking to him at dinner. But you know what? I’ve decided I don’t give a rat’s ass what he thinks. I’ve submitted 10 fucking job applications in the past two days, dammit. If he tries to give me any crap, I’ll tell him (perhaps not in so many words) to piss up a rope.

I now have plans to see Thor: Ragnarok both on Thursday evening and again on Friday evening. I don’t think this is a bad idea because I’m pretty sure I’ll want to see it again basically as soon as I see it… my only reservation has to do with who I’m seeing it with on Thursday. In fact, I made the plans to see it on Friday with a female friend and her husband in order to avoid having the first time I saw it be with guys from my department, including a specific guy who at one point wanted to date me and whom I turned down. I have said something in his presence about Loki being the main focus of my interest in the MCU, not least because Tom Hiddleston is very attractive, and he has brought it up again in a way that I took to be unkindly mocking. (God help me if he found out that I write Thor/Loki fanfiction… I would never hear the end of it, and neither would anyone else in the department. Keeping that one firmly under the hat.) I only agreed to go see the movie with him and another guy from the department because (1) my other friends couldn’t go on Thursday and I’m impatient, and (2) the other guy we’re going with is gay and very open about his attraction to Chris Hemsworth. I’m hoping I can just spend most of my time talking to the gay guy and give the other guy withering looks if he tries to give us any shit.

Signing off until Nov 3

Because I’m trying to avoid “Ragnarok” spoilers (and I don’t think that blacklisting “ragnarok spoilers” on XKit can protect me), and also because of time/procrastination issues, I’m mostly going to be off Tumblr for the next 9 days. I’ve set my queue to post throughout the day so my blog won’t go totally dead. I’ll still be getting notifications and I’ll be reachable by ask and message.