Tag: personal

philosopherking1887:

My chest feels weirdly tight and I feel like I’m having trouble getting enough air. I’m not sure if this is a delayed reaction to the flu shot (they told me to stick around for 10 minutes to see if I developed that side effect, and I didn’t in the first hour or so) or some sort of low-level panic attack, only partly related to the midterm elections. I’ve been taking a fair amount of Gabapentin but I still feel weird. I even checked my blood pressure while I was killing time at the pharmacy (because I’ve been feeling lightheaded and faint when I stand up after lying down for a while), and that was fine but my resting heart rate was ridiculously high.

I don’t know if it’s the allergy meds, the ibuprofen, the gabapentin finally kicking in, the wine, or eating dinner, but I’m feeling a lot better. I’ll call the pharmacy if I start feeling weird again, though.

My chest feels weirdly tight and I feel like I’m having trouble getting enough air. I’m not sure if this is a delayed reaction to the flu shot (they told me to stick around for 10 minutes to see if I developed that side effect, and I didn’t in the first hour or so) or some sort of low-level panic attack, only partly related to the midterm elections. I’ve been taking a fair amount of Gabapentin but I still feel weird. I even checked my blood pressure while I was killing time at the pharmacy (because I’ve been feeling lightheaded and faint when I stand up after lying down for a while), and that was fine but my resting heart rate was ridiculously high.

philosopherking1887:

philosopherking1887:

Last night I had a weird sexy dream about my undergraduate advisor, on whom I had a very intense crush my junior and senior years of college (and whom I saw at a conference 2 weekends ago). Interestingly, my subconscious was principled enough to stipulate that he and his wife had divorced before anything happened.

This made me feel kind of awkward while I was filling out job applications and had to specify how my recommenders knew me. If you *know* what I’m getting at.

Can I also just say how grateful I am for the existence of Tumblr. I’m talking to bunch of people who know a lot about me, but (except for a couple of you) don’t actually know me in real life. So I can tell you about my inappropriate dreams and how much I hate my brother-in-law.

Today I reread part of the paper I co-wrote with my undergrad advisor (because someone I met at the conference was having trouble accessing it and asked me to send it, and I wanted to remind myself of what exactly we argued for), and it felt weirdly intimate. Remembering who had originally written which parts and who had suggested additions or rewording. And there was a lot of stuff about aesthetic attachment and learning to love and teaching oneself a second nature… yeah.

philosopherking1887:

Last night I had a weird sexy dream about my undergraduate advisor, on whom I had a very intense crush my junior and senior years of college (and whom I saw at a conference 2 weekends ago). Interestingly, my subconscious was principled enough to stipulate that he and his wife had divorced before anything happened.

This made me feel kind of awkward while I was filling out job applications and had to specify how my recommenders knew me. If you *know* what I’m getting at.

Can I also just say how grateful I am for the existence of Tumblr. I’m talking to bunch of people who know a lot about me, but (except for a couple of you) don’t actually know me in real life. So I can tell you about my inappropriate dreams and how much I hate my brother-in-law.

Last night I had a weird sexy dream about my undergraduate advisor, on whom I had a very intense crush my junior and senior years of college (and whom I saw at a conference 2 weekends ago). Interestingly, my subconscious was principled enough to stipulate that he and his wife had divorced before anything happened.

This made me feel kind of awkward while I was filling out job applications and had to specify how my recommenders knew me. If you *know* what I’m getting at.

philosopherking1887:

Since I let my birth control prescription lapse I haven’t really been keeping track of my menstrual cycle because there is absolutely no chance of pregnancy when you’re not having sex. This is dumb because it means I don’t know when to start taking precautions against underwear stains… and also because I get blindsided by weird mood swings. When I start crying over dumb stuff, like passages from Nietzsche that I didn’t remember and find tragic and moving (while sitting in a conference talk!), I know I must be PMSing.

I’m also getting weirdly rhapsodic in my writing (yes, I’m working on a paper at the back of the room where the conference is going on) and I’ve been really craving hugs.

Since I let my birth control prescription lapse I haven’t really been keeping track of my menstrual cycle because there is absolutely no chance of pregnancy when you’re not having sex. This is dumb because it means I don’t know when to start taking precautions against underwear stains… and also because I get blindsided by weird mood swings. When I start crying over dumb stuff, like passages from Nietzsche that I didn’t remember and find tragic and moving (while sitting in a conference talk!), I know I must be PMSing.

So I’ve probably talked about the kind of strange phenomenon of men I dated, or even just went on a few dates with, getting in touch with me years later. There’s one guy I went on a few dates with in 2013 but haven’t seen since who keeps sending me Facebook messages at random intervals. I haven’t replied in a couple years. He’s married; he even gave me a last-minute invitation to his wedding. I didn’t go, obviously. Anyway, I posted some pictures on Facebook from my Renaissance fair outing, including this one of me attempting archery:

And, presumably in response to this photo (or maybe the one of me eating a turkey leg, I don’t know), he sent me the message: “Hey! Your renaissance faire pictures just showed up in my feed – you like like you’re in killer shape now! Clearly moving to Canada agrees with you haha”

Which I found especially creepy, because most of his random messages aren’t specifically commenting on my body. And also this photo, since it’s in profile, clearly displays how thin I am, which is actually not good because I’ve been unintentionally losing weight due to depression and anxiety. But thanks for reinforcing my latent eating-disordered thought patterns by telling me how great I look when I’m unhealthily underweight. That’s really what I needed in my life.

philosopherking1887:

Visiting my sister and her husband who constantly criticizes her and blames her for things, at length, in a way that seems to me (and my parents) emotionally abusive. Hooray. At least the Renaissance fair was mostly fun.

Not only does visiting my sister and her husband prevent me from getting work done because I have to be spending all my time socializing with them; it’s also so emotionally exhausting that I have trouble getting started on work again when I get back.