If you find yourself in times of trouble, ask yourself, ‘what would Gandalf do’, and remember, ‘beat a man unconscious with a big stick’ is a valid answer
When I find myself in times of trouble, Gandalf Greyhame comes to me, Wailing on those assholes, With a tree (with a tree)
if i had to get in a fistfight with any member of the fellowship it would be Frodo because i would easily win
all i am saying is that he would ostensibly be the easiest one to take on in a fight given that he’s like three feet tall and has led a life of (physical) leisure compared to all of the others due to his standing as a gentlehobbit
legolas, aragorn, and gimli are all used to combat, sam works as a gardener, merry and pippin often gallivant off and get into mischief so they have the advantage of experience in whatever it is they’ve gotten up to/would possibly fight dirty, gandalf is gandalf so while weapons are out of the question i suppose that depends on if magic is involved. i don’t think i could take him without magic even if he IS old because he’s a very large guy, but maybe
it would be my knuckles against Frodo’s baby soft poet hands, plus i’ve got the additional height and fighting experience. i just think that he would be the easiest to win against in hand-to-hand combat out of the rest of them. also he isn’t real so he can’t offer a rebuttal to my claim
you’re absolutely correct BUT wanting to fight Frodo makes you a monster D:
this has nothing to do with WANTING to fight Frodo, i just think he would be easiest for me to beat in a fight with no weapons. unless he utilized his very large feet, but i think he’s too polite to do that because it’s a fist fight and that would be considered playing dirty
for someone who doesn’t want to fight Frodo you sure have put a lot of thought into fighting Frodo……….
OP is wrong though: you fight Pippin.
First off, Pippin has it coming, so you won’t be fighting your conscience at the same time.
Secondly, Pippin is a spoiled rich kid. He’s no less gentry than Frodo is, but Frodo works out and is shown to have better stamina, at least at the outset. Pippin is also both the stupidest and the slowest of the hobbits. They both nearly beat one (1) troll, so that’s comparable, but Pippin appears not to have got a single hit in against the orcs that captured them while Merry was cutting off hands like a boss. Pippin also straight-up tell Bergil that he’s not a fighter.
Also there’s a nonzero chance that Frodo will just straight up curse you (if the guilt of fighting Frodo isn’t enough if a curse by itself).
And, of course, if you try to fight Frodo, you will 100% end up fighting Sam, and he will wreck you (and you’ll deserve it, you monster)
Also: if you fight Frodo you’ll have a very angry Sam & possibly also the entire Fellowship to deal with BUT if you fight Pippin they will probably cheer you on.
Bold of you to assume one could attempt to fight Pippin and NOT instantly be killed by Boromir.
So here’s the thing – you absolutely DO NOT want to try and fight Frodo or Pippin because they are going to be protected by the rest of the Fellowship, which basically exists to stop asshole Big People from picking on the hobbits. Folk might talk a big game but when the chips are down, you are not going to lay a single hand on any of the hobbits. Either you’ll find yourself immediately fighting all four of them or else you’ll move to land your first hit and suddenly Aragorn will side-tackle you into the trees. And he probably hits like a freight train tbh.
So here’s what you do:
You fight Legolas.
The thing about fist-fighting Legolas of course is that you will lose. This is not a fight you’re gonna win no matter what. But Legolas has his standing competition with Gimli, so once the challenge is issued, he’s not gonna let anyone else step in and fight you either. No one is liable to volunteer on his behalf, either, so you will only end up fighting the one member of the fellowship. If you are lucky he might also take his shirt off. Bonus!
Anyway.
Legolas will mop the floor with you, but he’s also already convinced you’re weaker than him anyway because you’re not an elf, so he’s gonna go kind of easy on you. And when you lose he will be all snide and superior about it, which means everyone in the fellowship is gonna sympathize with you, and Gimli will probably challenge him on your behalf afterwards, but here’s the key thing:
You will have lost a fist-fight to an immortal warrior prince.
That’s a way better loss to cop to than that time you tried to fistfight a pudgy gentlehobbit and got beaten to the point of unconsciousness by his gardener, yeah?
okay so tolkien tumblr is fast becoming my fave tumblr community thank you thank you all you are the true fellowship here.
Nah you’ve all got it wrong. Fight Boromir.
yes this is a dude who has spent his entire life training for war and who is ready to throw down against evil at any moment. but there’s the thing: make sure he knows you are not, in fact, evil but are instead a dumbass getting in way over their head because it seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude can relate to that.
and you’re far beneath his level anyway so he will go very easy on you. he might even let you win to make you feel better, if you are anything approaching hobbit-sized in comparison to his 6′6″ Numenorean-blooded ass, because he’ll be wanting to prove that his ego is not at all threatened by this situation: he’s very nearly a prince, and he can afford to be gracious.
and when you’re done you can both go nurse your bruises over some ale and maybe wind up being buds
my headcanon here is that legolas is just BARELY visibly holding it together
since canon tells us that mirkwood elves like to party and are fully capable of passing out from drunk
so legolas is using EVERYTHING HE HAS to fuck with gimli and pretend he hasn’t a clue what it’s like to be affected by alcohol
while inside he’s all ‘sdkla;hgsj you can do this leggles you can do this’
‘don’t think about that time you blacked out from dorwinion wine while naked in the middle of an impromptu archery contest’
‘and all your friends drew orc penises on your face’
‘and when you woke up you were halfway to dale without a clue as to how you got there’
‘And especially don’t think about that time you drank so much that the dwarves you were supposed to be watching escaped in the empty barrels of wine.’
‘Dad never let me hear the end of that one’
Leggles
While all of the above is great, I’d like to offer that dwaven ‘ale’ probably isn’t made from barley. they live underground. what grows underground? Mushrooms. I’m saying Dwarven Ale is halucinogenic. I’m saying Legolas was tripping balls.
The Minas Tirith Archives Department probably had strict rules about proper record keeping procedures too, but try telling Gandalf anything and you’d probably get some form of “I do what I want.”
Eh, I’m gonna quibble with “the Minas Tirith Archives Department probably has strict rules about proper record keeping procedures”, given that we see Gandalf being shown into a poorly lit room full of jumbled stacks of books and loose papers that was clearly a disaster before he arrived. Maybe they did have good standards at one point, but Denethor cut the library budget and they had to downsize their storage space, let go of some staff, you know how it is.
Loki is the Philosopher King 