BILL THE MOTHER FUCKING PONY IS THE MOST BAD ASS PONY TO EVER PONY.
SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
BILL WAS AN OLD FUCKING PONY, AND WHEN THEY BOUGHT HIM IN BREE, EVERYONE SCOFFED. “YOU’VE PAYED TOO MUCH FOR THAT PONY.” THEY SAID.
BUT THEY WERE WRONG.
BILL FUCKING MADE IT WITH THE FELLOWSHIP ALL THE WAY TO THE MINES OF MORIA. AND THEN THE WATCHER IN THE WATER ATTACKS, AND SAM THINKS BILL IS DEAD. BUT IS HE? NO THIS BADASS MOTHERFUCKING PONY HOOFS HIS BUTT ALL THE WAY BACK TO BREE ON HIS LONESOME, WHERE HE FUCKING WAITS FOR SAM, AND THEN HELPS THEM AT THE BATTLE OF BYWATER BY GIVING HIS FORMER ABUSIVE MASTER A SWIFT KICK IN THE BEHIND.
my headcanon here is that legolas is just BARELY visibly holding it together
since canon tells us that mirkwood elves like to party and are fully capable of passing out from drunk
so legolas is using EVERYTHING HE HAS to fuck with gimli and pretend he hasn’t a clue what it’s like to be affected by alcohol
while inside he’s all ‘sdkla;hgsj you can do this leggles you can do this’
‘don’t think about that time you blacked out from dorwinion wine while naked in the middle of an impromptu archery contest’
‘and all your friends drew orc penises on your face’
‘and when you woke up you were halfway to dale without a clue as to how you got there’
‘And especially don’t think about that time you drank so much that the dwarves you were supposed to be watching escaped in the empty barrels of wine.’
‘Dad never let me hear the end of that one’
Leggles
While all of the above is great, I’d like to offer that dwaven ‘ale’ probably isn’t made from barley. they live underground. what grows underground? Mushrooms. I’m saying Dwarven Ale is halucinogenic. I’m saying Legolas was tripping balls.
“Farewell, Aragorn! Go to Minas Tirith and save my people! I have failed.” “No!” said Aragorn, taking his hand and kissing his brow. “You have conquered. Few have gained such a victory. Be at peace! Minas Tirith shall not fall!” Boromir smiled. “Which way did they go? Was Frodo there?” said Aragorn. But Boromir did not speak again. – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring.
How the rest of the Fellowship sees Gandalf: unknowably ancient & powerful wizard, highly intimidating, must be treated with respect, when he shows up in your kingdom you know shit’s about to go down
that’s the fun part, the whole point of a fun uncle is they are wildly irresponsible
hobbit kids LOVE when Gandalf shows up bcos they know that if they stick to him sooner or later they’ll hear something they shouldn’t or get to do something they shouldn’t or both
Loki is the Philosopher King 