ok but can we like start a petition for Cards Against Humanity to make a John Mulaney themed pack because i would be willing to spend all my money on that
Suggestions:
Black cards-
• THERES A ______ LOOSE! IN THE HOSPITAL
• Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell ________
• Canceling plans is like ________
• Do my friends hate me? Or do I just need _____
• You have the moral backbone of a _______
• I’ll keep all of my ___________ right here and the one day I’ll die
White Cards-
• what’s new pussycat played 7 times followed by its not unusual followed by what’s new pussy cat
• smoking cocaine the night before your college graduation
• a 28 year old healthy man trying his best
• one black coffee
• STREET SMARTS
• shushing animals even though they’ve never spoken
• Delta Airlines
• the one thing they can’t replace
• an on fire garbage can… could be a nursery
• a sea of drunk toddlers
• a pre- y2k asshole
• Xanax
Do my friends hate me? Or do I just needwhat’s new pussycat played 7 followed by it’s not unusual followed by what’s new pussycat
Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell the one thing they can’t replace.
THERE’S a sea of drunk toddlers LOOSE! IN THE HOSPITAL
anakin: when my wife walks down the street, she does not give a shit what anyone thinks of her in any situation. she’s my hero. when i walk down the street, i need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. it’s exhausting.
padme: you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.
obi wan: i’ll keep all my emotions right here. and then one day, i’ll die.
palpatine: and then i said “no.” you know, like a liar.
leia: some people give off a vibe of, right away, they’re like, “do not fuck with me.”
luke: my vibe is more like “hey, you could pour soup in my lap and i’d probably apologize to you.”
han: they’re like, “does that work?” i’m like, “it didn’t NOT work.”
lando: hi, i’m very gay and i’d like a few dollars.
rey: i have had a very long day. i am very small and i have no money. so you can imagine the kind of stress i’m under.
finn: you know those days where you’re like, “this might as well happen”?
poe: i don’t care for these new nazis and you may quote me on that.
kylo: when i’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, “hey! look at that man!” i think they’re just like, “whoa, that tall child looks terrible! get some rest, tall child!”
rose:
i try to stay optimistic, even though i must admit, things are getting pretty sticky.
john mulaney talking about how much he loves his wife and roasting other male comedians that just talk shit on their wives is why The Gays like him so much because he’s what Straight Culture should be
he literally called her a bitch so let’s raise the standards ladies and gentlemen
the bar is at the earth’s core
literally fuck you to hell tumblr
Has nobody even watched his last two specials on Netflix where he praises her when they were still dating (New in Town) and then in Comeback Kid he loves calling her his wife. Don’t even try
I’m a dynamite five-foot Jewish bitch and I’m waiting for my John Mulaney to come along. A lot of my friends are neurotic gay guys and I just need one of them to be the one where God forgot to flip the switch.
In approx. 6 months when all of Tumblr hates John Mulaney and wants to burn him at the stake for no apparent reason, I will remember the “John mulaney should be gay” posts as I sip my lemonade and watch the rabble dance on the ashes of yet another person they idolized into destruction
Actually, I’m gonna map this out for ya right now
John mulaney should be gay. Some fans quote the “God may ¾ of a gay man and then forgot to flip the last switch” joke from New In Town, I believe, but most people chuckle, nod along, and reblog
This will develop and evolve into “John mulaney is appropriating gay culture,” because this is Tumblr and Olympic leaps is what we do
That will quickly evolve into “John mulaney is queer baiting,” because, again, Tumblr
John mulaney will be the new Taylor swift, John green, whomever the hell else that Tumblr once loved and then decided to hate because ~50 million people can never agree on anything
In 2 years, the salt n’ pepper diner video will get passed around again, only people who innocently reblog a funny story from a comedian they don’t really know will get anons “warning” them about the awful, homophobic John mulaney
Most people will accept it outright, because we’re all a little weary of comedians, lbr, but some will question it. When the answer they get is “idk, but I think I remember people saying he was queer baiting because we thought he was gay but apparently he’s not and some people made joke posts about it that a lot of other people took too seriously,” they’ll respond with “are you serious?”
Yes, I am. Welcome to The Dark Ages™
I’m gonna schedule this post for 3 month intervals throughout the year.
Let’s see if Tumblr’s straight, white, golden child du jour survives 2018, shall we?
It’s happening
Ayyyyyyyyyyyyye
I’m so mad at how accurately you predicted this. This website…
And now there’s a post about how he’s the gays favorite comedian that was quickly derailed to talk about how he’s an anti-Semite who thinks his wife is a bitch based on a series of jokes taken wildly out of context. I hate how accurate this post is.
Loki is the Philosopher King 