i saw this post earlier about therapists and it reminded me of my old therapist paul, who in my opinion is one of the greatest men alive and who did not put up with my bullshit for even one second
anyway i go in to see paul one week in the summer of 2016, and i’m doing my usual bullshit which consists of me talking shit about myself, and paul is staring at me, and then he cuts me off and says that he’s got a new tool for helping people recognize when they’re using negative language, and gets up and goes over to his desk
and i’m like alright hit me with that sweet sweet self-help article my man, because i’m a linguistic learner and whenever paul’s like here i have a tool for you to use it’s pretty much always an article or a book or something
paul opens a drawer, takes something out, and turns back around. i stare.
i say, paul.
is that a nerf gun.
yeah, says paul.
i say, are you gonna shoot me with a nerf gun in this professional setting.
he happily informs me that that’s really up to me, isn’t it. and sits back down. and gestures, like, go ahead, what were you saying?
and i squint suspiciously and start back up about how i’m having too much anxiety to leave the house to run errands, like it was a miracle to even get here, like i’ve forgone getting groceries for the past week and that’s so stupid, what a stupid issue, i’m an idiot, how could i–
a foam dart hits me in the leg.
i go, hey! because my therapist just shot me in the leg. paul blinks at me placidly and raises an eyebrow. i squint again.
i say, slowly, it’s– not a stupid issue, i’m not stupid, but it’s frustrating me and i don’t want it to be a problem i’m having.
no dart this time. okay. sweet.
so the rest of the hour passes with me intermittently getting nailed with tiny foam darts and then swearing and then fixing my language and, wouldn’t you know it, i start liking myself a little more by the end of the session, which is mildly infuriating because paul can tell and he’s very smug about it
anyway i leave his office and the lady having the next appointment walks in and i hear what’s all over the floor? and paul very seriously says cognitive behavioral therapy tools.
1. Become aware of how and when you tearing yourself down.
2. Now that you can catch yourself doing it. Offer counters to the negative self talk. A really useful thing I read was to talk to yourself almost the way you would child. Gentle and patient. Even when they fuck up.
3. Take time to celebrate your small accomplishments. You’ve been attacking yourself for every little mistake. Apply that same fervor to the positive things in your life. Did the dishes even though you didn’t want to? Fuck yeah! Got up and took shower? YES!!! You are taking positive steps to feeling better. Celebrate it.
4. Make lists of things you’re good at/ like about yourself. The first time I did this the only two things in my list we’re that I liked my hair and I had good friends. It was start.
5. Don’t beat yourself up if you screw up steps 1-4. It’s counter productive. When I catch myself calling my self stupid for some mistake or other my response now is,“We don’t talk to ourselves like that anymore. What’s something constructive that could actually help solve the problem.”
Most of the time that seems to work. Not always. But more and more Everytime.
I hope any of that made sense.
A few more I’ve learned:
When someone compliments you, don’t deflect.
Make a conscious effort to form a habit of saying, “Thanks, I like it
too!” “Thanks, I’m really proud I finished it!” “Thanks, I worked hard
on it!” “Thanks, I take after my favourite auntie!” etc or even just “Thank you.” Stop using every compliment as an excuse to beat yourself up.
Acknowledge that other people see
value in things you do and are even when those things aren’t 100%
perfect. Try to remember those compliments later and add them to your
mental idea of yourself. Notice that you don’t demand perfection from
others before you’ll like them and try to appreciate yourself the same way.
Also, stop sorrying.
It can be a hard habit to break, but reflexively saying “sorry” every
time you talk or take up space (socially or otherwise) is both a
reflection of and a reinforcement of your own perceived lack of value.
Every time you find yourself sorrying inappropriately, make a point of
thinking, “Actually, I do deserve to talk/be here/(other thing you sorried about).” When appropriate, say it out loud sometimes!
Honestly even if you don’t believe yourself quite yet when you say nice things or stop yourself from saying mean things about yourself – the things you say and repeat in your mind really do impact what you think and how you feel. You have to try to say/think the good things you don’t quite believe, that’s what makes it become possible to eventually believe them.
Try to set aside some time to do things you feel good about doing, like
volunteer work, learning a skill, or projects where you make or fix
something just for fun. If you are having a hard time trying to figure
out what about yourself you can be proud of, you can just pick something
you would be proud of doing and start doing it.
This is an interesting case study for epistemologists in (1) believing for pragmatic reasons and (2) getting yourself to believe something, not instantaneously but over time, through repetition and strategic attention to evidence.
Loki is the Philosopher King 