I was just looking through my Facebook timeline to see when my cat found a shrew in the basement and ate its brain (October 26), and I realize that pretty much everything I post on Facebook is a shitpost. I do more shitposting on Facebook than on Tumblr. These are all of my non-photo/video/check-in posts since the beginning of November:

• I just heard on NPR that someone has invented “self-driving luggage” that follows you around, making sure not to exceed a certain distance from your phone. This is especially hilarious to me because I just started (re-)reading Terry Pratchett’s The Color of Magic, which prominently features a sentient trunk referred to simply as “the Luggage.”

• Now that I’ve finally seen “The Last Jedi,” I’d just like to say: why all the fuss about porgs? The crystal foxes are much cuter.

• I just saw a billboard for an exhibit at the Museum of Natural History called “Our Senses: An Immersive Experience.” And I’m thinking… yeah, they really are, aren’t they? We can’t get outside them at all.

• It’s a Chanukah miracle: I pulled into a metered parking space (it was an excellent parallel parking job, too – no backing up or restarting) and it had exactly as much time as I needed still left on the meter.

• [ŋjaʊ] – This is the sound my cat makes when she is in a box in the car going to the vet and desperately does not want to be. The nucleus gets longer when she’s angrier; the off-glide gets longer when she feels sadder and more betrayed.

• For some reason “I’m a brain in a vat” just popped into my head to the tune of “Dick in a Box.” I feel like there’s more that can be done here.

• Inviting people to my choir concerts is a really good test of my knowledge of how I met all the people on my friends list and where they are now.

• It occurred to me that kids of the present generation are likely to be confused by the lyrics “troll the ancient Yuletide carol,” considering that the verb “to troll” has recently acquired a meaning very different from the one intended in the song.

• Kant was wrong about the only possible proof for the existence of God. It’s that slices of lox are exactly the right size and shape for two of them to fit on half of a bagel.

• Just heard a review on NPR of Phoebe Bridgers’ new album called “Stranger in the Alps,” and I’m wondering… do they know where that phrase comes from? Can you imagine one of those mild-voiced hosts trying to explain it?

• When you’re semi-seriously considering recommending Neil Gaiman’s American Gods in a footnote of your dissertation, it’s time to go to bed.