What’s your favourite Alexander the Great story?

systlin:

hiddenlacuna:

systlin:

wilddragonflying:

systlin:

wilddragonflying:

systlin:

Probably how he tamed his horse, because that is some straight up Mary Sue level bullshit that no one would ever believe except the people who saw it wrote it down going “Yeah son of a bitch the kid did it what the hell.”

… I am intrigued. Elaboration?

When he was still a young teenager, his dad, King Philip of Macedon, went to look at a super awesome horse that a horse breeder was showing off trying to get the king to buy. Philip took his son along because horse shopping was the sort of father/son bonding ritual you did back in the day. 

Well, turns out this horse is beautiful and strong and fiery and wonderful and no one can ride it. Philip and his advisers agree that it is a gorgeous example of a horse, but regretfully they don’t want a half-wild and unmanageable stallion and they’re gonna turn the deal down.

At this point Alexander, who’s been watching very carefully, says “It would be a shame to lose such a wonderful horse” and just fuckin goes over to the half-wild stallion, catches hold of the bridle, and hops up on the 1500 pound half-wild horse. 

(This is a good way to get super dead, if anyone is wondering, but Alex never, once in his life, gave even a single fuck.)

Phillip and all his advisers are slightly freaking out now, visions of tragically dead and trampled prince and heir flashing before their eyes. And Alex, the little shit, proceeds to ride that horse around the paddock as calmly as a lamb. The horse quiets down and behaves beautifully. Everyone goes “What the actual fuck.” Philip is crying tears of manly pride, and according to legend says here “My son, you must find a kingdom big enough for you.”

(What happened, see, is that Alexander, being an observant sort, noticed that the stallion was shying from his own shadow. And so he turned the horse towards the sun, where Bucephalus did not see his shadow and therefore calmed down.)

Bucephalus would go on to carry Alexander through battle after battle, to an empire that reached from Greece to Africa to India. When the stallion died, Alexander gave him a hero’s funeral. 

Oh my god Alexander what the hell most people would just LEAD the horse away from its shadow not ride it!

But considering everything else I know about Alexander the Great… I’m not really surprised.

Alexander the Great had absolutely Zero Fucking Chill and a highly developed sense of Drama. 

Alexander, passing through Corinth, had a curiosity to see Diogenes, who happened to be there at the time: he found him basking in the sun in the grove of Craneum, where he was mending his tub.

“I am,” said he to him, “the great king Alexander.”

“And I,” replied the philosopher, “am the dog Diogenes.”

“Are you not afraid of me?” continued Alexander.

“Are you good or bad?” asked Diogenes.

“Good,” rejoined Alexander.

“And who need be afraid of one that is good?” answered Diogenes.

Alexander admired the penetration and freedom of Diogenes; and after some conversation, he said to him, “I see, Diogenes, that you are in want of many things, and I shall be happy to serve you; ask of me what you will.”

“Retire, then, a little to one side,” replied Diogenes, “you are depriving me of the sun.”

It is no wonder that Alexander stood astonished at seeing a man so completely above every human concern.

“Which of the two is richest,” continued Diogenes: “he who is content with his cloak and his bag, or he for whom a whole kingdom does not suffice, and who is daily exposing himself to a thousand dangers in order to extend it?”

The courtiers of the king were indignant that so great a monarch should thus honor such a dog as Diogenes, who did not even rise from his place. Alexander perceived it, and, turning about to them, said, “Were I not Alexander, I should wish to be Diogenes.”

Honestly Diogenes was a fucking boss in his own right.